I know it's been sometime since I've actually written a post. I get bored with things easily, even if I enjoy them immensely. That is true even for writing my thoughts down. That's probably why I always had a collection of empty journals and half written stories growing up. I could never commit enough to sitting down and writing down my thoughts. I'm also a huge procrastinator. Commitment phobia and procrastination run deep within my veins. Which is probably why I've never finished my bachelor degree, and why it took so long for me to actually get married. Both of which I regret. That's the problem with people like me. We're constantly dealing with regret and frustration. On top of all of this is my huge fear of change, and lack of motivation to try for new and different things. I've always been taught that there are consequences to every action you make. Those consequences can be good or bad. In my case I'm ridiculously afraid of the bad. That combined with my lack of self confidence is almost debilitating. In saying all this I have gotten myself into a kerfuffle. How I have managed this is beyond me, but I guess I'm more appealing than my inner teenage girl self could imagine. I've always had set values and convictions, but with age and experiences things have changed for me. I was always the girl that thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom and support my husband from home. That's sooooo not the case for me anymore. It's not that I have given up on the institution of marriage, it's just not meant for everyone. I'm trying to find my happy medium in my marriage at this point. Because honestly I'm a very independent person who values her freedom above most things. I'm fighting the feeling of being trapped. Don't get me wrong I crave companionship and love just like every other normal person on this planet, but that coupled with my independent personality makes for a complex individual. There aren't many people that can positively cope and commit to a person like me.
In my absence things have become very confusing and messy in my life. On one hand things are still the same, and yet things have changed. I'm not sure if it's just my feelings and views on my life that have changed; or if it's my new found thirst for excitement? I do know that I need a break from the monotony that has taken hold of my life. With that being said I allowed myself to pick up an addiction from my past. I say addiction because that's what this was for me, plain and simple. Sadly I've never gotten over my addiction, and I think as most addictions I will carry it with me for the rest of my life. I don't know what it is about this that draws me in so much... Of course I'm not talking about anything illegal. I'm talking about the fact that I've allowed a friendship to rekindle with a person that had a very big part in my life from age 18 on. I know it will always just be a friendship and nothing more. This person is not a valid romantic option for me, but I wish I could tell my heart that. Neither of us are available, each in a different sense of the word. My addiction will never be emotionally available to me. I will never be available in the sense that the force of this earth has never let me be available when they wanted to try and be emotionally available to me. Which is only further proof that we should not be anything more than friends, ever. But I am having fun being this persons friend. It has rekindled my passion for things I've left undone or left behind. It has given me a new found hope for things I want in my life. And just possibly brought me closer to my co-pilot in this life. It has brought a new sense of truth telling to our lives that I never thought possible. It has allowed me to realize it's imperative that you always stay true to being you. And as Stella the security guard once told me to " never get lost in a man's love". I think we both lost a little of ourselves in each others love. Where this will take us I don't know, but I'm really excited for the ride and possible adventures.
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