Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I pledge allegiance to the dad?
I've only briefly touched on the subject of my Dad. And that's because there wasn't much to report, other than the douchey things he's done to me in past 26 years of my existence... None of which I can let myself hold on to for fear of letting that "become me". Recently I started speaking with my older sister, and it took a long drawn out weekend of emotions for us to get to that point. At which point my dad decided to contact me... I did finally meet up with her at our Dad's house while she was in town for the first time in several years. It took a lot of time for me to convince myself that I could go over to my Dad's house, and be put in a possible uncomfortable situation. I guess what bothers me the most is that my Dad didn't try to contact me until Stac and I decided to try to get together. I guess I just wanted his communication with me to come from a genuine need to see me, or make things right. But to quote my sister Allison, "you shouldn't expect anything from Dad, it's far less disappointing that way". All my life my Dad has been nothing less than a disappointment. The upside of that is that I know how I will and won't treat my future children. You can tell your child you love him/her, but it's your actions that tell them you love them. In defense of my Dad, I don't think he ever wanted children. He has a very selfish attitude, which makes it hard for anything that he does to be any less than all for himself. Some people are great parents, some aren't. And there's a whole world of them out there, my Dad isn't the only one. If I didn't forgive him for every hurtful thing he's done to me, what kind of person does that make me? I will not be a bitter, self absorbed person that is only interested in my own hurt and can't forgive. That doesn't mean I will forget it all, but I can try. Remembering that pain only hurts me, but I can also use it to make me stronger.
All that said, I got to see my sister and her kids. My Dad has text me a couple of times since then, but we have yet to have the talk that I told him we need to have. It's not something that can be done through text, or a phone call and I think we both know that. It's just going to put us both outside our comfort level. Neither one of us has been good with that, and I have the examples of our past makeup's to show for that statement. I am going to give it a try, and see what comes of it. But I'm coming from an angle of no expectations, and I'm being very careful of how close I let him in. I will not allow myself to get hurt, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm being smart for once in how I deal with my Dad. He honestly has nothing to offer me, and that's because I am not in need of anything from him. Which gives me all the power in this relationship. Before when I was young, I had the typical daddy issues syndrome. I had a need for my Dad's love, affection, and approval. Now it's the other way around, he needs me... I don't know how I feel about that, and I don't want to abuse that power like he has in the past. I need to find a way to keep it at a happy medium, so I don't get to that point. Just writing about it here has helped me figure out my own feelings on the situation.
I guess we'll see how this goes... I'm suppose to go over to my Aunt Vickie's(whom I haven't seen in years), for a 4th of July party with the whole Ramirez family. To say I'm a little nervous about it would be an understatement. I don't know what's been said about me, or what they think about me. I guess I shouldn't care, because whatever has been said probably isn't the truth. I just need to get to that place where I can be OK with people not liking me, or thinking good of me. My need to be seen in a good light comes from my need to please everyone. No one can please everyone, it's just the fact of life. And I need to take that to heart.
“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”- H. Jackson Brown
All that said, I got to see my sister and her kids. My Dad has text me a couple of times since then, but we have yet to have the talk that I told him we need to have. It's not something that can be done through text, or a phone call and I think we both know that. It's just going to put us both outside our comfort level. Neither one of us has been good with that, and I have the examples of our past makeup's to show for that statement. I am going to give it a try, and see what comes of it. But I'm coming from an angle of no expectations, and I'm being very careful of how close I let him in. I will not allow myself to get hurt, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm being smart for once in how I deal with my Dad. He honestly has nothing to offer me, and that's because I am not in need of anything from him. Which gives me all the power in this relationship. Before when I was young, I had the typical daddy issues syndrome. I had a need for my Dad's love, affection, and approval. Now it's the other way around, he needs me... I don't know how I feel about that, and I don't want to abuse that power like he has in the past. I need to find a way to keep it at a happy medium, so I don't get to that point. Just writing about it here has helped me figure out my own feelings on the situation.
I guess we'll see how this goes... I'm suppose to go over to my Aunt Vickie's(whom I haven't seen in years), for a 4th of July party with the whole Ramirez family. To say I'm a little nervous about it would be an understatement. I don't know what's been said about me, or what they think about me. I guess I shouldn't care, because whatever has been said probably isn't the truth. I just need to get to that place where I can be OK with people not liking me, or thinking good of me. My need to be seen in a good light comes from my need to please everyone. No one can please everyone, it's just the fact of life. And I need to take that to heart.
“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”- H. Jackson Brown
“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”- Stacey Charter
“Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.”
“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”- Stacey Charter
“Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.”
“Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.”
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Man down!
Hello blog that no one but me reads! Haha. This past week I have been learning how to deal with hurt feelings, and stubborness. Partly mine, partly select members of my family. I have gotten to the point where I can give it all to God, and let him take care of it. It took me a whole weekend plus a day to get to that point. But I am finally here, and it feels good!
The hubby is currently at Fort Bragg in North Carolina, for AT (annual training). The past two weeks have been hard to be without him, but he'll be home in six days! He's ready to be home, and can't wait to eat real food and sleep in a real bed! I don't know if I'm ready to share my king size bed though. I have been enjoying having the bed all to myself lately!
Nothing really new to report at the moment. Same ole' same ole'. I am excited that the new season of Trueblood is getting ready to start! Because I finally got to the read the last Sookie Stackhouse book last week. Curtis started reading the Game of Thrones book series. I'm hoping he can finish them fast because I'm in need of a new book to read! This Summer should be full of good reading!
"Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart."
"That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love, well, it works both ways."- Fight Club
"There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting, and just be more careful about who you trust next time around."
The hubby is currently at Fort Bragg in North Carolina, for AT (annual training). The past two weeks have been hard to be without him, but he'll be home in six days! He's ready to be home, and can't wait to eat real food and sleep in a real bed! I don't know if I'm ready to share my king size bed though. I have been enjoying having the bed all to myself lately!
Nothing really new to report at the moment. Same ole' same ole'. I am excited that the new season of Trueblood is getting ready to start! Because I finally got to the read the last Sookie Stackhouse book last week. Curtis started reading the Game of Thrones book series. I'm hoping he can finish them fast because I'm in need of a new book to read! This Summer should be full of good reading!
"Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart."
"That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love, well, it works both ways."- Fight Club
"There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting, and just be more careful about who you trust next time around."
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