Always be you.

I know it's been sometime since I've actually written a post.  I get bored with things easily, even if I enjoy them immensely.  That is true even for writing my thoughts down.  That's probably why I always had a collection of empty journals and half written stories growing up.  I could never commit enough to sitting down and writing down my thoughts.  I'm also a huge procrastinator.  Commitment phobia and procrastination run deep within my veins.  Which is probably why I've never finished my bachelor degree, and why it took so long for me to actually get married.  Both of which I regret.  That's the problem with people like me.  We're constantly dealing with regret and frustration.  On top of all of this is my huge fear of change, and lack of motivation to try for new and different things.  I've always been taught that there are consequences to every action you make.  Those consequences can be good or bad.  In my case I'm ridiculously afraid of the bad.  That combined with my lack of self confidence is almost debilitating.  In saying all this I have gotten myself into a kerfuffle.  How I have managed this is beyond me, but I guess I'm more appealing than my inner teenage girl self could imagine.  I've always had set values and convictions, but with age and experiences things have changed for me.  I was always the girl that thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom and support my husband from home.  That's sooooo not the case for me anymore.  It's not that I have given up on the institution of marriage, it's just not meant for everyone.  I'm trying to find my happy medium in my marriage at this point.  Because honestly I'm a very independent person who values her freedom above most things.  I'm fighting the feeling of being trapped.  Don't get me wrong I crave companionship and love just like every other normal person on this planet, but that coupled with my independent personality makes for a complex individual.  There aren't many people that can positively cope and commit to a person like me.

In my absence things have become very confusing and messy in my life.  On one hand things are still the same, and yet things have changed.  I'm not sure if it's just my feelings and views on my life that have changed; or if it's my new found thirst for excitement?  I do know that I need a break from the monotony that has taken hold of my life.  With that being said I allowed myself to pick up an addiction from my past.  I say addiction because that's what this was for me, plain and simple.  Sadly I've never gotten over my addiction, and I think as most addictions I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.  I don't know what it is about this that draws me in so much...  Of course I'm not talking about anything illegal.  I'm talking about the fact that I've allowed a friendship to rekindle with a person that had a very big part in my life from age 18 on.  I know it will always just be a friendship and nothing more.  This person is not a valid romantic option for me, but I wish I could tell my heart that.  Neither of us are available, each in a different sense of the word.  My addiction will never be emotionally available to me.  I will never be available in the sense that the force of this earth has never let me be available when they wanted to try and be emotionally available to me.  Which is only further proof that we should not be anything more than friends, ever.  But I am having fun being this persons friend.  It has rekindled my passion for things I've left undone or left behind.  It has given me a new found hope for things I want in my life.  And just possibly brought me closer to my co-pilot in this life.  It has brought a new sense of truth telling to our lives that I never thought possible.  It has allowed me to realize it's imperative that you always stay true to being you.  And as Stella the security guard once told me to " never get lost in a man's love".  I think we both lost a little of ourselves in each others love.  Where this will take us I don't know, but I'm really excited for the ride and possible adventures.

Books

Tuesday, I finally finished a book I had designated to read only when I was on my lunch break at work.  Let's just say I couldn't get enough of it!  The book I'm currently raving about is Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith.  He is also the author of Pride Prejudice and Zombies, which is the next book on my list to read.  The Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter book is a combination of true historical facts, and fiction.  As much as I love history and hate history being skewed, I loved this book!  It starts with a young Abraham watching his mother die from an unknown illness, to his discovery that his mother was killed by a loan-shark vampire.  It is this event that catapults young Abraham into a vengeful rage where he professes to kill every single vampire.  The story follows his political aspirations from the very beginning to the absolute end of his political career.  The book is full of accurate historical facts that is meshed with a vampire agenda to take over the whole of the United States.  If you enjoy the amazing story of Abraham Lincoln, and secretly enjoy stories about vampires you will love this book!  I definitely recommend reading this book.  

My book on my desk w/my Trueblood book mark!

Current read:Pride and Prejudice and Zombies:Dawn of the Dreadfuls by Steve Hockensmith.  This is suppose to be a prequel to the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith.  So far I've only read about 3 chapters of the book.  It does not follow the story that we know as Pride and Prejudice written by Jane Austen.  But since I am a avid horror lover this book should be right up my alley, even if it doesn't follow the story that I have proclaimed to be my favorite.

Happy tummy=happy husband

I found this recipe on Pinterest, and I just had to share!  The lady that initally wrote the recipe on her blog has many more delicious recipes that I would suggest checking out!  I'm going to try these out sometime soon myself!
Chocolate Chip Oreo Chunk Cookies

by SYDNEY

Your ingredients.

Combine your flour, baking soda, and salt.

Beat together your butter and sugars.

Add in the egg and the egg yolk, one at a time, until just combined. Add in the vanilla.

Mix in the flour until just combined, then stir in the Oreo cookies, the chocolate chips, and the white chocolate chips.

Place spoonfuls of the dough onto a greased and/or lined baking sheet, and bake at 325 degrees F for 10-12 minutes, until the cookies are just beginning to become golden around the edges.

Allow to cool completely and try to only eat one!

Chocolate Chip Oreo Chunk Cookies
adapted from LiveFire
Print this recipe

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 cup milk, semisweet, or dark chocolate chips (whatever your preference)
1 cup white chocolate chips
2 cups crushed Oreo cookies (not too crushed – use your hands, not a food processor; about 15-20 Oreos)

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (or 310 degrees F for convection). Grease and or line your cookie sheets.

2. Sift the flour, salt and baking soda together and set aside.

3. Mix the sugars and melted butter just until thoroughly mixed, then add egg, yolk and vanilla and mix until creamy. Add the sifted ingredients and mix until just blended – don’t over beat!

4. Stir in the Oreo chunk, chocolate chips, and white chocolate chips by hand. Drop spoonfuls of the dough onto a greased and/or lined baking sheet, and bake for 10-12 minutes, depending on the size of your cookies and heat of your oven. The edges of the cookies should just start to be turning golden.

5. Leave them on the cookie sheet to cool a bit when removed from the oven (this is important as they fall apart if you move them too quickly). Once they cool a few minutes, remove the cookies to a cooling rack to finish cooling. Makes 15-20 cookies, depending on their size.

Ella lee y corre...

Things certainly have gotten interesting here lately.  With the future unsure and my heart telling me that I want to stay here, and have everything stay the same.  If there's anything I hate, it's change.  Change may be coming, and it's not just a little bit of it.  It's a lot of it!  At this point I don't feel comfortable in elaborating, but I feel as though I need to say something or otherwise I will burst.  I typically pride myself on being a free thinker, and not a follower.  Mostly because I've seen what can happen when you let something that sounds so silly, make you do unusual things.  And this may be where my gut wrenching struggle comes in.  Do I let go of all I thought was right and safe, or do I give a new experience a try?  It isn't something you can easily come back to, but it's life altering and almost to the point of permanent.  I know life isn't made of easy decisions, but I don't know if my husband or I are clear enough thinkers to allow ourselves to make one of this magnitude.  I guess you'll never know if something was a bad decision unless you try...  I'm struggling to find my way in all of this, but I guess what happens will happen.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."-Lewis Carroll
"No one that never did nothing, did anything."
"If you only do what you know you can do-you never do very much."-Tom Krause

Clear eyes

Don't let the title fool you, I do have me some itchy eyes today.  I haven't blogged in quite some time now.  This Summer has proven to be even more busy than I thought it would.  I have had something to do every weekend, and almost every day of the weekend we have plans.  Most of it has been here in town, but I did get a chance to go visit my sister in-law for a weekend by myself.  Mostly my hubby has been busy working his full time job, and working at his master's program internship.  We don't usually get to see each other much during the week, but I'm ok with that as long as it's to complete his masters degree.  Week days are just as busy as the weekends, but mostly they are spent by making dinner and working out.  The working out has really paid off for me so far.  Although the past month or so has been spent relosing the same 3 lbs.  But I think I might have finally broke that barrier.  I'm really excited about the weight loss I'm expierencing, as well as the thought of buying new clothes! 
Work has proved to be just as busy as I thought it would be for this time of year.  Especially when you have a co-worker that's less than stellar.  I didn't know coming in almost 30 minutes late everyday was something you could do and not get fired.  I also didn't know that you could take an hour lunch everyday when you only work six hours a day.  Part time work must be great!  Apparently this person doesn't care, because it's been this way since she's worked here and no one has said anything to her to mend the problem.  Needless to say if I had known I could do that to get away with it I would have stuck to part time work!

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."-Lewis Carroll

I need a new purse... Ongoing post...

Bag : Mulberry

I pledge allegiance to the dad?

I've only briefly touched on the subject of my Dad.  And that's because there wasn't much to report, other than the douchey things he's done to me in past 26 years of my existence...  None of which I can let myself hold on to for fear of letting that "become me".  Recently I started speaking with my older sister, and it took a long drawn out weekend of emotions for us to get to that point.  At which point my dad decided to contact me...  I did finally meet up with her at our Dad's house while she was in town for the first time in several years.  It took a lot of time for me to convince myself that I could go over to my Dad's house, and be put in a possible uncomfortable situation.  I guess what bothers me the most is that my Dad didn't try to contact me until Stac and I decided to try to get together.  I guess I just wanted his communication with me to come from a genuine need to see me, or make things right.  But to quote my sister Allison, "you shouldn't expect anything from Dad, it's far less disappointing that way".  All my life my Dad has been nothing less than a disappointment.  The upside of that is that I know how I will and won't treat my future children.  You can tell your child you love him/her, but it's your actions that tell them you love them.  In defense of my Dad, I don't think he ever wanted children.  He has a very selfish attitude, which makes it hard for anything that he does to be any less than all for himself.  Some people are great parents, some aren't.  And there's a whole world of them out there, my Dad isn't the only one.  If I didn't forgive him for every hurtful thing he's done to me, what kind of person does that make me?  I will not be a bitter, self absorbed person that is only interested in my own hurt and can't forgive.  That doesn't mean I will forget it all, but I can try.  Remembering that pain only hurts me, but I can also use it to make me stronger.
All that said, I got to see my sister and her kids.  My Dad has text me a couple of times since then, but we have yet to have the talk that I told him we need to have.  It's not something that can be done through text, or a phone call and I think we both know that.  It's just going to put us both outside our comfort level.  Neither one of us has been good with that, and I have the examples of our past makeup's to show for that statement.  I am going to give it a try, and see what comes of it.  But I'm coming from an angle of no expectations, and I'm being very careful of how close I let him in.  I will not allow myself to get hurt, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I'm being smart for once in how I deal with my Dad.  He honestly has nothing to offer me, and that's because I am not in need of anything from him.  Which gives me all the power in this relationship.  Before when I was young, I had the typical daddy issues syndrome.  I had a need for my Dad's love, affection, and approval.  Now it's the other way around, he needs me...  I don't know how I feel about that, and I don't want to abuse that power like he has in the past.  I need to find a way to keep it at a happy medium, so I don't get to that point.  Just writing about it here has helped me figure out my own feelings on the situation. 
I guess we'll see how this goes...  I'm suppose to go over to my Aunt Vickie's(whom I haven't seen in years), for a 4th of July party with the whole Ramirez family.  To say I'm a little nervous about it would be an understatement.  I don't know what's been said about me, or what they think about me.  I guess I shouldn't care, because whatever has been said probably isn't the truth.  I just need to get to that place where I can be OK with people not liking me, or thinking good of me.  My need to be seen in a good light comes from my need to please everyone.  No one can please everyone, it's just the fact of life.  And I need to take that to heart. 

“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”- H. Jackson Brown

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”- Stacey Charter

“Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them.”